2 Ears, 1 Mouth
Communication connecting with: words, gestures, silence, tone, volume, accent, facial expression, eye contact to carry meaning. It is a skill to be nurtured and practiced. Our first utterances are the beginning of a lifelong quest in connecting verbally and non verbally.
Listen here! Listen hear!
2 ears, 1 mouth our body’s design shows where we should put the emphasis in communicating. I recently heard of listening as an act of loving that total attentiveness and presence. Listening can be sabotaged by the minds whirring through agendas, environment scanning and capacity to time travel to anywhere but the hear and now. Many variables impact on the data entry and processing of what we are listening to.
Active Listening
Active listening is dynamic – it does not require lycra or sweat bands. It involves simple reflecting back to the speaker what was heard, thus clarifying content. For example:
Nurse “The patient notes are confusing.”
Dr: “Are you saying I write badly?”
Nurse: “No , you write legible. I am saying that there are different management plans from each health professional. I wish to provide the correct care.”
Active listening is valuable when taking directions, giving instructions and dealing with problems that may put people on the defense.
It is ridiculous and inappropriate to actively listen all the time, for example when talking about the weather.
Listening is interpretation, even when it is your language being spoken. Alan Sieler (2014) explains how meaning exists within the interpreter. What we hear is influenced by historical/ cultural narratives and social practices. Sieler asks the listener to consider 3 questions:
- How am I listening – What interpretation am I running?
- How come I am listening this way? Whats at stake for me?
- Whats at stake for them? What are there concerns?
Dialogue truly occurs when we acknowledge our frame of reference and show sensitivity to the speakers viewpoint.
Speaking
” The spoken word belongs half to him who speaks and half to him who listens.” French Proverb
Speaking the visible / audible part of communication takes practice. I still have moments of foot in mouth, for which there is no vaccination. To limit the contagion of poor communication I avoid these barriers to effective speech:
- Assumptions, absolutes, generalizations, labels and judgements;
- Manipulative strategies such as poorly timed questions that shut off real connection, or putting myself in the rescuer role as opposed to the helper,
- Controlling conversation, making demands, diagnosing problems and blaming others,
- Inappropriate or lack of volume control,
- Speaking to fast or to slow,
- Butting in and interrupting others speech,
- Monologue,
- Filling silence with the noise of my speech.
There are times when English does not seem to be my first language as I fumble through the day with jibberish. I am grateful for the tolerance and feedback to improve my speech. Meaning and understanding is gained when I effectively communicate.
“Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you are willing to work at it you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.”
Brian Tracey
References
Moore, M & Tschannen-Moran, B (2010) Coaching Psychology Manual,Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, Philadelphia
Sieler, A (2014) Coaching to the human soul, Ontological coaching and deep change, Volume 1, Newfield Institute, Blackburn
Travis, J & Ryan, R (2004) Wellness Workbook, 3rd Ed. Celestial Arts, Berkeley
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